The Contemporary Chronicler

There’s a special feeling you get when you jump out of your manager’s Dodge Caravan, slam the door, and yell at the top of your lungs ‘I’M ON HOLIDAY’.

Well until you Manager rolls down the window and says ‘Don’t slam my door off again please’. Non the less in that moment you feel what Casanova felt when he first left for his Grand Tour… that feeling of holiday. It’s a hard word to describe, it encompasses adventure, freedom and relaxation.

It’s Holiday

After months of hard work, you’ll take any kind of relaxation. Now some people might call it a vacation, I don’t, I’m one of those people that don’t Vacation, I Holiday motherfucker!

Now normally I don’t swear but I’m on Holiday so whatever. So from Christmas Day until January 5, I’ll be in Toronto. Why Toronto? Well other than my family, it’s got to be lack of Trees, pollution and ridiculous amounts of people and do you know why I pick such a place?

BECAUSE I’M ON HOLIDAY, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT

I know it’s kinda late but

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I have a boss that introduces a new piece of Rapper lingo to me EVERY SINGLE MORNING (now I’d say ‘Ghetto Speak’, but that’s just down right degrading and if there’s something my Mother didn’t raise me to do is degrade people that don’t deserve it). Every morning after sales training (I’m a salesman so we practice sales every morning), my boss gives us a little sales meeting every day for about half an hour, and every day the pattern is roughly something like this:

-Turn on music

-Informative speech

-New Rap Lingo

-Encouraging Speech

-Cheer

Now that might not be your kind of morning meeting, but it’s definitely mine. The other morning I learned the word ‘Right Herr’, now it wasn’t until yesterday when a girl on the train asked me about it, that I actually understood the difference between ‘Right Herr’ and ‘Right Therr’. See to most people ‘right here’, and ‘right there’, isn’t too far apart. Let’s say for example I saw an issue of GQ over in the magazine stand about 5 feet away, and I say ‘You see that issue GQ right here?’, that’s not too different from me saying ‘You see that issue of GQ right there?’. Yes there is slight differences however in a conversational context, it’s no big deal. Now if I said to you ‘Do you see this white girl right therr’, that’s a HUGE difference from me saying ‘Do you see this white girl right herr’. See the difference is when you say ‘Right Herr’, you imply it’s psychologically within your reach, whereas saying ‘Right Therr’ implies that it is psychologically something that is far away. If I said to you the words ‘I’m going to Holla at that white girl right therr’, then that implies that I am going to stand up, walk over and go talk to a strange white girl I’ve never met before. Now if I said to you ‘I’m going to Holla at that white girl right herr’ that implies that there is a white girl we know, that I holla at all the time and I’m just going to holla at her another time (’holla’ is another word I learned from my boss).

The first morning meeting I ever had, I was first introduced to the word ‘Paypa Paypa’. I have literally never heard my boss say the word ‘Money’, but I’ve heard him say ‘Stacks’, ‘Cash Greens’, but I’ve never heard him say ‘Money’. This guy wears a suit and does business deals all day. If you’ve ever heard him speak it sounds like listening to a speech from Sam Watson and then every once in a while he’ll slip in some Rap lingo just to keep things light (not to mention fuck with your brain).

The first or second morning he asked me the most important question I heard all week:

‘What is your goal with your paycheck two weeks from now?’

Now this gets a man to thinking ‘what is my goal?’, so I looked him dead in the eyes and said ‘… Burberry’.

The next day he says to me ‘I don’t think a Peacoat from Burberry is a big enough goal for you, how much is a Peacoat from Burberry?’

That’s when I answer truthfully and without hesitation ‘Well, I don’t know… if I had to guess I’d say oh I don’t know… one thousand, eighty five dollars and thirty five cents’

‘Well never mind then’ he said.

Now While we were setting goals, the meeting went something like this

‘Okay so what is everyone’s goal’ the boss asked each of us individually

Manager: ‘Yamaha R6′

Crew Co-ordinator: ‘Entertainment System’

Guy next to me: ‘time with my family during Christmas’

Now when the guy next to you, has a real, actual real people goal, saying: ‘Burberry peacoat’ isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world.

Seriously who does this guy think he is? God, be materialistic like the rest of us! Don’t make the rest of us look bad!!

Hey Everyone, I just want to start today’s post by telling everyone that’s been waiting for a new post, that one has finally arrived! I apologize for the delay. I currently work a full time job so for me to write a new post each and every day is quite difficult. One thing I can do is write more posts in the days I do write, just for you guys.

Now to today’s order of business, today is the day I introduce… the State Trooper Award.

Now it might be running through your mind… ‘what’s a State Trooper Award?’

The State Trooper Award is a special award, that I award to those individuals or groups that I feel have done a spectacular job or has done something the rest of us might not do for their goal.

And this month’s award goes to…

Smokers Who Smoke in The Winter Time

For those of you who aren’t smokers you might not understand what a smoker has to go through to be a smoker, it’s definitely not easy. Every time you have a rough snippet of your life, and you reach in your front jacket pocket, there has to be at least a single cigarette left or else… You don’t even want to know or else!

Being a smoker is more than just an addiction, it’s a commitment! There isn’t a single smoker I’ve met who doesn’t enjoy smoking, nonetheless it’s no easy feat to be a smoker. Could you imagine not being able to do something that you love in restaurants, in cars with child or even in malls?!

Not only do smokers commit fully to smoking but they go through so many sacrifices to be a smoker, imagine a world where everyone judges you because you love doing something that is frowned upon, no one says anything if you’re a big fatty fat fat person who eats double big macs and ends up dying of heart conditions within a year (I didn’t even know there was a double big mac), no one frowns on you, if you have yellow fever and you go out with a Asian girl (Unless you’re a RACIST!!! No offense to Asian people by the way, I love your noodles), no one frowns on you if you listen to Jay-Z and dress like you just came out of a bad rap video (seriously people, Banana Republic is only so far away), however you if just happen to smoke in a public area where there may or may not be children, or small dogs around then you’re automatically a bad person (I’m not even joking about the small dogs!).

Now the reason why I chose Smokers this month is because, I noticed something about them, they’re not quitters. They don’t stop smoking just because, they know better, we all know better, but they keep going, whether they’re in the middle of the forest, on the top of a 14 story building or even in the cold, they don’t quit. I’ve literally seen them suffer through -40 Celius weather just to smoke, now that deserves an applause!

Before I start today’s post I just want to thank everyone whose been commented on my blog and to all the new fans I’ve been receiving, thanks a lot everyone.

Every Friday night I go to my uncle’s house. I do this as ‘home base’ for my friday nights. He gives me the keys and I usually come in bumbling in around 2-3 in the morning (depends if it’s a good night). Even if I don’t go out, I just go there, they always have food stored up, there’s always a warm bed with my name on it and no one is usually there on a friday night (ever since my aunt and uncle split).

This friday I found myself particularly early, I’m talking 5 o’clock in the afternoon. My uncle called earlier saying that he needed someone to babysit my cousin since my aunt was out of town. So I head on the train all the way to broadway station.  I soon find myself waiting at the bus stop with a half a bus load of other people for the longest time. That’s when I see this business woman, and I’m talking business woman as in black pant suit, white blouse and turquoise jewelry, she was the real deal people. She was at least 5′8 probably more, she towered over top of me for sure.

She was definitely older than I was, you could tell by the slight wrinkles on her feet coming through her flats. However looking at her face, you’d never think she was a day over 25. She was just so hot, it intoxicated me. She was one of those ladies that obviously missed her ride, and wasn’t very happy about taking the bus. When the bus finally did come by though the first one was so packed, they had to bring out a second one right behind. I was in line and finally slipped into the first one, however, the hot business lady with the green eyes and light brown hair with blonde highlights was clearly not in the first one… damn

I jump on into the second one, it’s nearly empty. There’s just me… and her (oh and like a bunch of people in the back but whatever). She had her earphones in, so I wasn’t sure if I should say something. She was sitting directly across from me, our eyes met more than just one time. At one point I just stared at her eyes, completely lost and forgotten of the world around me, sitting three feet away from a stranger starting into your eyes normally prompts a person to look away, but she didn’t… then the bus stopped quickly, forcing me to grab on to the first handle I could I grab.

The doors opened and this woman with a stroller came in, prompting both the hot business woman and I to get up and go over to the back. Once there I finally came over to her and tapped her on the shoulder, which prompted her to take one earphone out, once I got her attention I said ‘You saved my life’.

She looked at me, head cocked slightly and said ‘What?’

‘Nevermind’ I said looking away.

‘No, I couldn’t hear you, I had my ear phones in’ This time she took both out and smiled.

‘You saved my life’ I repeated, this only got her to look at with an inquisitive smile

‘Because of you I’m alive’ I continued ‘In fact just because of you I’m going to have to write in my journal tonight, that I was saved by nice lady who looked at me with her bright green eyes, in fact if you hadn’t they might even write in my tombstone “Killed by Stroller”, that’s the last thing anyone wants to have on their tombstone, how would I explain that one to Jesus?’

She giggled, then with a smile said ‘I was having the worst day until you came up just now, you’re the sweetest person, you really brightened my day’

‘umm thanks’ I said with a bit of a face

It’s not every day some stranger says to me ‘you really brightened my day’

‘No really, you’re amazing, you are like a bright ray of sunshine’ she said trying to defend herself then she slipped me her business card and said ‘you’re the most amazing person I’ve met all day, call me, my name is Janice’

Well I guess hitting on 30 year old business women who’ve had a stressful day gets you all the bitches!

The other night I was watching Wild ‘n Out, Nick Cannon’s version of improv television show when all of sudden I found the best joke I ever heard on that show:

Affion Crocket: I took his mom…. I took his sis! Even his Auntie got a piece a DISSSS!!!

Check it Out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuANMeS-NX8

Despite the name Eric Flint’s 1632 is not one of those boring textbook like books about early modern history. 1632 is actually an amazing work of fiction. It follows a West-Virginian town that gets transported through time right smack into the middle of the thirty years war.

For me, the thirty years war wasn’t that special. If you were to compare it to other wars in that era, then the Thirty Year’s war didn’t really cut the sugar (that’s right I said sugar). Nothing amazing or miraculous happened during the actual thirty years war. The only thing that made this war a little different was that the Danes, Swedes and the Scots all fought against the Catholics during that one war, however compared to something like the war of Spanish Succession it isn’t really all that special.

At least not until you have the fictional town of Grantville jump into the fray with their new beliefs of liberty and freedom. With their modern weapons and knowledge of our present day technology, one small town shakes up all of history. The thing about 1632 is that unlike most books in the alternative history genre, it has a really humorous narration that tells you little known facts and details that makes the story so much more compelling and is actually character centred as opposed to events centred. It even has romantic story lines in the whole book, which just adds to the full effect

Overall 5 out of 5 stars

‘Today I turn 18 and you know what that means? It means today is the day I can finally tell girls my real age’ I told Charlie.

‘Well today is the day that something else happens too’ Charlie said with a almost depressing voice.

‘What is it?’ I asked a little frightened.

This was not the way you should start your birthday

‘It’s also the first day that you can’t… pick up girls anymore, now you only pick up women’ Charlie Replied.

This is how it all started. At first I was very excited that I was 18 and that from now on all girls that even looked 15 were ‘Jailbait”. It was a scary thing, I wasn’t sure what to do until… my uncle said to me

‘No matter how old you are, high school girls always stay the same age’.

Now of course being a man with principle, this wasn’t something I was inclined to do. That’s when I read on a poster on a wall in the middle of street that read:

‘The best things in life… are ILLEGAL!’

Excitement ran through my veins, my pulse raced, and my heart pounded as I listened to Rosemary go into explicit detail as to what she wanted to do to me. I hadn’t even talked to a new and attractive girl for more than 10 seconds in the past 4 days. Granted she wasn’t so strange since I had met her a week ago and neglected to call her since but then again I am what you might call a ‘pick up addict’ (and plus remembering to call girls is such a chore, seriously who can remember to call that many women?).  As I felt more and more attracted to this near stranger I met for little more than 5 minutes on a sidestreet (seriously, man is my game getting tight) she started to go quiet then said ‘I need to make a confession’

This never ends well

‘Okay, what is it?’ I said

‘Promise not to get mad’ she quickly blurted

‘As long as you’re not a Democrat, we’re all good… wait you’re not right?’

‘No, it’s not that… it’s that…’ Here she took a long pause ‘It’s that I have a boyfriend’.

I was quiet for several moments. Then she asked ‘Are you mad?’. I wasn’t that mad, I was more surprised. When I met her, she told me she didn’t have a boyfriend, now she hits me with it like artillery fire in Normandy, you can’t blame me for being a little shell shocked.

‘I’m just a little surprised’ I told her, then ‘I have to go, I have to rearrange some things’. she barely had time to say goodbye before I hung up.

My mind swirled endlessly I don’t get jealous over boyfriends, I’m used to this I told myself. To be honest I hadn’t been shell shocked by enough boyfriend crap lately to make me impervious as I was before, now I was what you might call a little more ‘vulnerable’ .

As I continued to think it out, I noticed a small Warwick bag in my uncle’s closet (I was staying at this place). The more I looked at it the more I noticed the colours and design… I had to take it down and look at it, upon closer inspection I found that the bag wasn’t just an amazing bag… it was a… BURBERRY bag! All thoughts of Rosemary vansihed from my thoughts and I realized that there was more to life than just girls… there was Burberry.

Okay so let’s all admit it Facebook is popular, in fact it’s so popular that someone in the first world who speaks English not having Facebook is just out of the ordinary. Just plain bizarre.

Just the other day this girl I met on the train added me on her facebook profile and… so did her mom! The thing about facebook is, it’s so popular that somehow it’s got to be helpful in arresting criminals right?

Story 1:

The Robber and The Computer- About a month ago some unnamed fellow broke into a home in Canada (probably Toronto, seriously people lock your doors) . Then as he went about robbing the home of their belongings, he got tired and figured ‘might as well check my Facebook’. So he does (Now at this point you probably see where this is going) When the family got home, they were shocked to find that their home had been robbed, then one of the children goes to check their Facebook and finds that THE ROBBER FORGOT TO LOG OUT!!! Now why the robber chose not to steal the computer is beyond me.

Story 2:

Live’n La vida Loca- Maxi Sopo, this guy from the small Western African country of Cameroon (seriously I had no idea this place even existed) frauds people in Seattle through car loans out of over  $200,000. Then all of sudden this guy disappears. For months this guy’s been gone, no trace of him. Then one day a secret service agent finds his Facebook page, but oh no it’s set to private! So they grab someone off the friends list who used to work for the government and boom we find this guy has been bragging all over Facebook about living the high life in Cancun (and here I though Cancun was expensive).

So there’s a lesson to all you would be criminals… don’t use FACEBOOK!

I was thinking of posting a picture of a fat person on my blog, but then I realized… I couldn’t bring myself to it. I couldn’t possibly deface my blog with a monstrosity of a person. I’m not sure how it started, probably really nice teachers telling their students it’s ‘okay’, but all of a sudden we live in a culture where it’s okay to be fat! OKAY TO BE FAT?! Well people I’m here to tell you it’s not okay to be fat, that’s right it’s not okay to be fat. Let me tell you why…

First off it’s not healthy to be a big fat fat fatty, I don’t care what anyone says about healthy weight, if you’re body mass index is 25 or over, you’re overweight (no matter what your health care professional says, they’re only saying that to be nice). If your thighs make sounds when they walk or if you have a near heart attack climbing up the stairs, that’s not okay. You HAVE to stop eating!

Another thing I hate about fat people is that they make it seem as if it’s not their fault… It’s too bad I have to say this fat person whose reading this…but it is your fault. In the Media the correct thing to say is ‘big boned’, now I’m not saying there’s not such thing as people who are big boned, my ex girlfriend was just taller, and bigger (not in a fat way, more in the way that a greyhound is bigger than a chihuahua) than I was so I understand if a girl can’t fit into a size 2. But when you’re a size 10 or 11… honey that’ s a problem. No girl I know who works out at least once a week and has a healthy diet is a dress size 10, and I mean NO GIRL. It just doesn’t happen. I hate how people make fat seem like an accidentally disease, something you are born with or something that just happens to you. Fat people are not paraplegics, they didn’t accidentally hit a speeding KFC bucket while absently watching their girlfriend sing to them in the parking lot. There are some people who are born slightly overweight, I’m not going to lie, some children do come out a little bigger than others, but no one says they can’t change NO ONE! That’s their choice

In Supersize Me, one of the food and diet experts says how he was in a room where a person takes out a cigarette and attempts to smoke it when all of a sudden one of the people in the room exclaim ‘put that away! Don’t you know those will kill you!’. The diet expert mentions how there was a fat person in the room eating some sort of greasy food like fried chicken and yet no one said ‘put that down! don’t you know that stuff will kill you, you fatty!’. He asked why it was okay to heckle a smoker for smoking yet it’s not okay to heckle fat people for eating, they both know that what they do will kill them, the only difference is that McDonald’s doesn’t come with a warning label… they expect you know to be smarter than that! When a smoker dies of lung cancer, they broadcast it in advertisements, they scare young children into not smoking with posters and speakers at school yet when a fat person dies of obesity or heart failure (because of how fat they are), no one goes to schools to promote health, no one shows entire episodes on CNN about the dangers of being a fatty! The most they get is The Biggest Loser and a show on TLC. More people show realize that being fat is a life choice, and with nothing more than time and commitment (which fat people don’t seem to have) you could easily take off that weight.

Being Fat is not attractive, it never has been. Now some of you will argue that back in the day being bigger was attractive because it said that you had enough to eat, that might be true, but those people were no where near as fat as the people today. They also never eat so much it killed them. We are genetically designed to find people in good shape attractive, that’s just a common fact if fat people can’t face that fact then they should get a gym membership or throw themselves off the Brooklyn bridge because the rest of us are tired of their crap.

Now when I say fat, I don’t mean those people who are a couple pounds overweight or even those people who are over average yet try to lose the weight, I’m not talking those people (those are good solid people, changing their life around, that’s not an easy thing to do for most people…apparently). I’m talking about the people that know their fat yet call people like Karl Lagerfeld ignorant for saying ‘What I designed was fashion for slender and slim people’ when talking about H&M making his designs in larger sizes. My absolute favourite quote from a fat person is from Carrie P on My Big Fat Blog(where fat people are accepted) who when talking about Karl Lagerfeld’s disgust from fat people wearing his clothes says ‘Know what, Karl? Fat people have money, too. And if you start designing clothes specifically for fat people, you’ll be knocking on a still-largely-untapped market’. Well do you know what Carrie?! Karl Lagerfeld doesn’t need your money! He doesn’t want it! There’s a difference between doing something for art and something something for money, and Uncle Karl is one of those people that would rather lose money than sacrifice art (not to mention the eyes of many people walking the streets). If it’ll save us from watching fat people wear clothes that weren’t made for them then I say right on Uncle Karl, right on!

To make sure that he wasn’t a hypocrite Karl Lagerfeld himself lost 92 pounds in 13 months with no other reason then ‘…I suddenly wanted to dress differently, to wear clothes designed by Hedi Slimane’, now that’s a go getter if I ever hear of one, my definition of success is having a goal and obtaining it, and I’ll tell you Uncle Karl is as successful as they come. What I can’t stand is how fat people go out of their way to be against fashion the way it is, they protest and complain and say it’s not their fault then blame Prada and Chanel for forcing people to be thin and attractive because their too lazy to get off their couch and do a couple crunches, they say that it’s ‘promoting something unhealthy’, So when they eat McDonald’s what do they say about that?

In the Telegraph Karl Lagerfeld said ‘In France there are, I think, less than one per cent of people who are too skinny. There are nearly 30 per cent of young people who are too fat. So let’s take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that’s left.’

Damn Right! Why do the fat people care so much about the small amount of thin people when they don’t even try to stop themselves?