Yesterday I was on the city bus going to the mall when I saw a girl…
Now before all of you start saying how this is going to be another one of my sap stories where I meet a nice girl and we go to have coffee and then I fall in love and then there’s some sort of terrible tragedy at the end where I’m left heart broken, trust me people it’s not.
I’ve been thinking, yes I like hoes. Thing is there are some hoes I just don’t like. You see there are hoes that are awesome and honest about being hoes. Then there are hoes that are just annoying about being hoes. You know which girls I’m talking about the ones that pretend like they’re not hoes but really it’s just so blatantly obvious.
Instead of going off on some insane rant on how annoying girls can be when they try to say they’re not slutty I’m going to give you a list:
5 things that make a girl an annoying hoe
5. They dress slutty and say ‘this is what I wear every day’
(bitch you know that makes you a slut right?)
4. They have an annoying shrill voice
(we’ve all watched broadwalk empire and girl just… wow)
3. They always have a hang over
(girls reading this blog please go to the most hooker best friend you have and say ‘just stop drinking, it’s just not working out for you’)
2. They watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians
(awesome sluts watch porn, the rest watch…)
1. They never admit to being a hoe, and say ‘I’m a good girl’
(And I’m the fucking pope)
When you were a kid you probably thought anything was possible, that you could be anyone or do anything. If you were like me you probably thought being a grown up was all about banging broads, experimenting with new kinds of drug cocktails, drinking double scotches all day (well not drinking so much as sipping slowly with a cigarette in hand), dressing up in suits all day, and of course banging broads… like a boss.
Some of ended up living like that for a while (until you burn out and can’t move for a couple days and the smell of whiskey makes you want to vomit). However real life ends up catching up with us and the way we want to live ends up being deterred by a pesky thing called real life and usually a long term relationship, kids, work, and whatever else stops you from having a good day.
Now that doesn’t mean we can’t watch the ballers on TV live like badasses.
Now for the Top 5 Guys On TV We All Wanted To Be when We Grow Up
5. Don Draper
TV Show- Mad Men
As an Ad Man in the ’60s Don Draper knows how to live the life. Constantly drinking whiskeys and cocktails, the man not only knows how to do business better Donald Trump and bang broads without his wife knowing he also knows how to do it drunk. Who didn’t want to be like Don Draper growing up up? He not only wears Brook Brothers and Banana Republic, he also always keeps a fresh change of clothes in his suitcase just in case he gets into a drunken fight or hadn’t made it home that night.
4. Chuck Bass
TV Show- Gossip Girl
Now those of you who know him might think he’s the most spoiled rich kid on the face of the planet. Now while this may be true, you have to admit who doesn’t want to be a spoiled rich kid? With all this money what does he do with it? Same thing every other baller does with it, he puts himself in a penthouse suite of an upstate Manhattan hotel so he can literally say ‘tell your girls you leavin’ I meet you in the lobby’ (quote from the song Hot Toddy by Usher). He drinks whiskey straight sleeps with anything from a high class escort to a world famous model, what’s there not to like?
3. Hank Moody
TV Show- Californication
I’m going to be honest with you guys, I have a special bias towards writers who drink Jack Daniels by the bottle (BY THE FUCKING BOTTLE!!!). I mean come on! The guy drinks more than a Newfoundlander during a wake while sleeping with famous actresses and still finds time to write books. What else could a guy ask for?
2. Barney Stinson
TV Show- How I Met Your Mother
Could there possibly any other person you would be if you could be anyone? This guy is the definition of awesome . He sleeps with more girls than you could imagine. What’s really great about this character is he’s not one of those characters that’s just good with women, hes one of those characters that works on it every day of the week and twice on Sunday (What else is there to do on a Sunday?).
1. Neil Caffery
TV Show- White Collar
Now I don’t watch a TV especially not criminal investigation shows, but White Collar I watch and for one reason and one reason only… Neil Caffery. A Con Man who does the wrong thing for the right reason. He teaches you that it’s not always about banging hoes and drinking whiskey. This guy drinks wine (seriously WINE!) and not the cheap kind you get at Costco, he drinks the kind with the fancy names and the even fancier prices. He always finds a way to dress and live well, even when he’s a convicted felon with no income.
As I was sipping my morning coffee and watching CNN in my peripheral vision, I looked up Google’s most searched phrases… and do you know what the no.1 trend is? Holly FUCKING Madison! Now folks you’re going to have to excuse my language for a moment here. If I offended anybody’s parents reading this over their kids shoulders than I am sincerely almost very sorry. What I’m not sorry about though is that when I looked up the trend, there was one thing that really fucked me up. She was no one I knew. Now of course that wasn’t the reason I got mind fucked. My first reaction was more like ‘She must be some famous girl that has some sort of tragedy happening in her life or has a significant crisis going on’. I mean come on that’s a pretty fair conclusion that I came up with.
Who the fuck is she? A Playboy model with big fake tits. That’s right she’s a Playboy model with big fake tits. Now just in case it didn’t sink it. She’s a Playboy model with big fake titties! Now here’s the part that really fucked me up… the reason she’s a popular topic right now is because she insured said fake titties for a million dollars! Yeah Seriously, no joke, in all honesty she’s the no.1 hot trend search because she insured her fake titties for a million dollars. Just in case shit. Just in case she falls on a pin and her titties pop faster than a Catholic school girl’s virginity, she got to her shit insured, because in this world with Sudan splitting into two countries, Iraq under occupation and China becoming the world’s leader in business you just can’t be sure if your titties are safe. So females reading this please for the love of god, go to your insurance broker and insure your tits, fuck life insurance, your tits girl… your tits…
Seriously people go read book or something
We all know that some day there will be an end of days, maybe not biblically but we all know that no one can be happy without paying reality the price that it slaps in your face one morning, we all know that some day we will have to face an end to any good thing. For some people that’s when they do something really really really bad, for me it was Thanksgiving last year.
Before I tell you all how it ended, let me tell you how it started. One afternoon as I was on my way to downtown Vancouver where I knew Janice lived, I picked up my phone and dialed her. Dialing someone you don’t know whose 10 years older than you and then trying to call her for a date really does set you nerves on fire.
Then an answer.
‘hello Janice speaking’
She even sounds like a hot business lady
Me:’Oh hi there, it’s me the guy that you saved from a stroller on the bus the other day’
Damn, great job keeping it smooth…
Janice:’Oh hey I was waiting for you to call me, what took you so long’
Seriously what do I do to deserve this? I must have been a monk my last life
Me:’Well I don’t like to keep people waiting too long, now I do have to keep this short because I’m on my way out but would you like to go with me for a coffee or something today?’
… what else do you say to a business lady?
Janice:’Of course, how is 5 today? I’ll be just off work and have a couple hours to spend’
Business ladies are so hot when they’re on a schedule
Me:’For sure let’s meet at the Grand Bean’
A full hour later, we meet at the Grand Bean. Janice arrived prompt and without a second to spare. Then we sit and have coffee, discussed our lives and talked about business (you will not believe the shit she knew about China). It wasn’t what she said about things, or even how she said it. It was the way she looked at me. It was one of those looks that people have when all they want to do is just sit there in intense concentration on the other person. The best way to describe it would be like when female penguins in the Antarctic hear only their child’s cries in a sea of other child penguins. It was the most spectacular look I had ever seen. I felt like if the sky itself were falling and we were simultaneously be invaded by Russia she wouldn’t have noticed anything but my dark brown eyes. She was something else.
For the next half an hour I found myself talking almost non-stop, and she did nothing but listen wordlessly in trance to the sound of my voice and the brightness of my eyes. She’d intermittently say things like ‘You’re the funniest person I ever met’ or ‘You really know how to make me smile’ and ‘I can’t believe I met you’.
I was in awe of how much this lady wanted my attention. It was like she’d been denied humour and intelligent conversation her whole life. I wasn’t sure what to do after an half an hour of coffee conversation and it was Wednesday so I asked her ‘would you like to go somewhere with me?’. Without missing a beat and keeping that perpetual smile of her’s she asked ‘where are you taking me now?’. ‘Just the comic book store’ I said with a little bit of doubt in my heart. She paused for a moment. That moment only brought my doubt on stronger, did she think I was just a kid she met and talked to? Did she even like me? Did she think I was an idiot because I thought I could hook up with her? I couldn’t stop asking myself these questions. The moment felt like a life time until she smiled again and said ‘I have never ever in my life have a man actually ask me to do something that involved books’.
Who is this lady? And why is Buddha so kind to me today?
‘I know it’s a little weird, but it’s like right down the street and I wanted to show you some really cool artwork they have in the new X-Men’
Well what can I really say guys like really?
Janice cocked her head inquisitively and asked ‘What kind of comic books do you read? My brother reads a lot of comic books so I know a few’
‘Just the odd X-Men here and there, I grew up with them as a kid so I really enjoy reading it from time to time.’
After the comic book store we went back to her place a few blocks away for some tea. I read the comic books to her out loud and tried my best to explain absolutely everything. At some point she says to me ‘You don’t have to be so nervous you know, you already had me the first time you made me smile’, she took the comic books from my hands put it on the table then stared at me wordlessly for a full minute then said ‘What did you plan to do today?’. ‘Well I was planning to-’ then she came in and she kissed me then pulled back and said with a smirk ‘Cancel them’.
My whole life I had never thought something like that would happen, of course these things can’t last at least not for long. Come back next week and find out what happened at Thanksgiving.
I broke up with my girlfriend recently (yeah yeah I’m sorry too). Ever since then, instead of taking time away to find myself and find out who I am, I went a rampage. That’s my word for sleeping with every girl humanly possible (yeah I use the word ‘rampage’). Now for the first two months things have been okay. Nothing dangerous, no body’s boyfriend attacked me or threatened me (you know you’re a lucky bastard when boyfriends don’t threaten you on the phone for a full two months), no body attacked me, none of the girls freaked out over anything, absolutely nothing dramatic has occurred.
Now we all know my luck can only last so long. Instead of getting out of all of while it’s good, what do I do? I ask for too much, I went too close to the fucking sun (that’s right Icarus you learned the lesson so I shouldn’t have to… but didn’t listen to you so my bad). Out of the three girls I’ve been sleeping with the past two weeks, one of them is Latin and thinks that we’re actually going somewhere, one of them is my next door neighbour’s step daughter with a boyfriend across the country who she doesn’t mention (her dad could kick my ass on the ground before I knew what happened), and the last girl is in a full on relationship with some other guy entirely.
I know what you’re thinking ‘Why do you create all these problems for yourself’, to be honest boys and girls, I think unconsciously my mind likes the danger, to be real though, I have no fucking clue. So this morning my next door neighbour’s daughter (let’s call her Jennifer) calls me up and tells me she wants to come over and says the words ‘I want to taste you’ (well that’s not subtle at all is it?), and the only one of those three that actually knows I’m sleeping with the other ones is the girl in a relationship with her boyfriend let’s call her… Jessica.
Jessica calls me and asks me what I plan to do tomorrow and I say:
‘I have to see Jennifer tomorrow, she’s coming over’
Jessica:’I'm coming over tomorrow too then’
Me:’no you can’t, Jennifer’s coming tomorrow’
Jessica:’Well what are you going to do about that then…?’
Jessica:’I'm DTF right now…’
I had to google “DTF” to find out what it means. So tomorrow I’m guessing one of two things will happen
Or this will happen:
In that television show Weeds, one of the characters ask the main drug dealer lady how things are in her life and she replies with
‘it’s not safe at home’
That’s exactly how I feel.
Today is the day that all the kids in the world all go into their closets (or force their parents to a costume store) and come out with something scary (or just slutty), and go out with their parents or loved ones in tow, to take candy from strangers. That’s just for the kids though. The other night I discovered something scarier than a child with a casper costume (which is really just a bed sheet anyway), and a rubber knife with fake blood in one hand… it’s girls who don’t role play on the one day every year where guys like you and I have an excuse to actually ask them to!
For all you dirty proactive sex people you and I both know there’s a lot of magical things you can do with a scarf. On any average day a scarf can turn your girlfriend or lover into a pirate or an arab princess or even a ninja for the night(we all know we wanted to at some point). Then there’s jewerly (for once you really get to thank all those outpriced jewerly stores), jewerly can make your girlfriend so many different things, a princess, a high class escort, a stripper, a french secret agent for Interpol and so many others. However on Halloween not only can your sex partner for the night be so many different things, also no one can say anything about it. it’s the one day of year that no one should be able to call you a freak show or a nasty perv for doing what you do in your bedroom.
It might just be my luck, but for once in my life I discovered a girl on this planet earth who actually doesn’t want to pretend to be someone sexier than they already are. Now I’m not going to lie I’m a hardcore role play kinda guy, but the least a girl can do is try it out once in a while.
As you all know by now I have a monthly award I give out, this award is not simply given away to a group or person who has accomplished a great feat or has persisted through hardships and fought through all difficulties . For this month’s state trooper award I give to a very special kind of person… Women who marry English Men.
Now you might be wondering ‘well that doesn’t sound so special’. You probably think I’ve just been blogging too much lately or forgot to take my pills. Unfortunately marrying anyone whose English is not as easy as it sounds boys and girls. Especially for those poor women who marry English men. Now I might think English girls are annoying, but those English guys… let me tell ya, they’re no picnic.
A friend of mine, let’s call her Lisa unwittingly found herself with an English man. By far they are the most annoying people on the face of the planet. I have found that when English people speak words, what they say, and how they say it doesn’t any sense (not to mention how annoying their voices are). They actually take out key words in any given sentence and expect you to be able to understand them as people!
So for all you women out there that unwittingly found yourself in a relationship with some random English guy… this goes to you.
This is a poem I wrote for an ex-girlfriend once, and if any of you guys ever want to ever use it, well go right ahead:
Everyone has moments they rememeber. The moments they treasure. My moments are kept deep within my heart. My moments are of you. The moments I treasure, they’re the ones that shake me, the ones that make my heart beat faster and harder than any drum. Just seeing your smile makes me remember. It makes me remember of all the smiles. The smiles that light fireworks in my chest and knocks the wind from out under me. Every face you ever made, every shift of your hair and every winkle of your nose, has a place in my heart. You keep me moving, you keep my flame lit. With you I feel like I’m on top of the world, with you mountains become molehills. You were with me for all my moments, for the moments I felt my best to the moments I was at my lowest, you were there. I want to be the one who is there for your moments. I want to be there for all your smiles and your all frowns. I want to be there for the rollercoaster that is your heart. For the sea that is your love. You are the constant star in my galaxy. Seeing you makes leaves me weak in the knees and helpless. Because with you I can touch the sky.
As I finally made it to my office building for my daily grind as a door to door salesperson, I noticed my fellow co-worker Scott smoking a cigarette by the patio near Starbucks carrying the largest grin I’d ever seen.
Scoot: Guess what?
Me: You’d discovered Jesus?
Scott: No! I got myself a kitten, I call him Loki.
For the next twenty five minutes he told me about his new kitten and how he just found out his Asian girlfriend who he’s been dating for the last six months is allergic.
Being the great salesman he is, he had said to her:
‘honey if you don’t want me to have Loki then I’ll get rid of him, you know you mean more to me then a cat’.
She had said it was fine, then nine hours later after work, as Scott was about to get dropped off, he got a text message with the first sentence: I can’t believe you didn’t know I was allergic. First thing he says to me next morning, ‘ you want a cat’.
The next morning, I find myself waking up next to Loki, staring at me with his big brown eyes.
Sometimes when I want to know what’s going on with the world I go on to CNN.com and just enjoy their flashy articles that to be honest don’t really tell you anything about the world you live in but entertains you so it really doesn’t matter. One thing that caught my eye today is ‘Avatar Depression’.
Yes boys and girls that’s an actual for real term people are using to describe the depression that people feel after watching the Avatar movie and realizing that none of those amazing trees and animals actually exist…
Aww you poor baby, you must just dream all night of a world where there’s no hotels, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, laptops or even Brazilian super models.
What a wonderful world to live in where all you have is giant swooping flying reptiles, dancing blue people and 1000 foot trees…
GROW THE FUCK UP.
I just recently read a post where a 17 year old in Sweden woke up the morning after watching Avatar and described the world as… Gray. Well no shit dumbass you live in SWEDEN!!
Now if you lived in the amazon rainforest and you woke up with the world being gray you’d just be legally blind.
Let’s be honest people, the only reason you’d be depressed after watching Avatar would be because your girlfriend isn’t straight blue, which of course isn’t a crime, who wouldn’t want to bang a blue chick.